Ask HN: How do I keep my elderly father safe on the internet?

• nextdns

  975 2,930 7.9 Go

  NextDNS CLI client (DoH Proxy)

  

Look into nextdns: https://nextdns.io/

Set it up on all devices + aggressively make it filter crap (there are block lists you can leverage)

Ublock + privacy badger + https anywhere

Other more extreme approaches: get him a router that has these capabilities and/or if friedly to running a custom firmware on it. Filter at router level.

Set up an always on vpn through a server you control. Filter the traffic.

• hosts

  306 25,494 9.4 Python

  🔒 Consolidating and extending hosts files from several well-curated sources. Optionally pick extensions for porn, social media, and other categories.

I am in the exact same boat.

And lately it's the same sort of shit... My dad will get a text message on Facebook from a "friend" (usually a dead friend) and it'll say something like, "I'm Joe's kid, and things are hard since Joe died and we need some money or we'll have to pull our kid out of school..." paraphrased, but that's generally the angle people take. And the scammers will send hundreds of messages... it makes it so hard.

I'll ask, "Dad, why did you have a 200 message conversation with this person?"

"Oh, I thought they were a scammer, but you never know... and after a while they just seemed legit." Again, paraphrased. Dad can't talk for less than 30 minutes at a time. =P

So what do I do?

1) I lock his devices and home router. I turn off data on his phone so he can only make calls when he's not on Wifi. I block ads (since those can take him to sites he doesn't need to be on), and I block fake news. https://github.com/StevenBlack/hosts

2) I sit down with him once a month and delete people on his Facebook account. I want to delete the whole account... but he uses it to talk to some of his friends... and it's important for him to keep connections. That said... FUCK Facebook for not doing more to prevent scammers. On some level, there's just no way to stay clean there. We delete anyone who died, or anyone who he hasn't spoken with in 1 year, and anyone who he has had any sort of falling out with. And man... the most frustrating thing is how many of these people we delete that just keep re-adding themselves. Facebook really should not re-suggest a friend if you delete them. It's such a sticky cancer with how it operates.

3) I sit down with him once every 2-3 months and we delete everyone in his phone and make sure contacts are up to date. I tell him to never take a call from a number he doesn't recognize, and to call me immediately if there's ever any doubt.

4) I run all the updates on his computer every month. And I check for programs that he doesn't need. Dad only has "User" access on his laptop, and I've toyed with the idea of taking away his ability to install any programs... but when we did that it meant he'd call me a lot more because someone had a Zoom meeting and he needed me to run an update. It's always a cost vs. benefit analysis with restrictions.

5) I have his phone paired to an old Tablet so I can keep tabs on him... I hate that I have to do this, but he's lost over $50k in the last 10 years to scams. And it's not the money that even matters... it's how down and how he cuts off connections with everyone once he gets scammed. The las time he lost like $5k... he wrote a check and mailed it, and somehow the person was able to cash it even though they weren't the name on the check. Anyway Dad really beat himself up over that, but it's not healthy for old people to be shut-ins. They need to talk with other people every day or the risk of dementia goes through the roof...

6) While not a perfect protection... we keep like $2k in his debit card, and we don't use credit cards. He has protections on his debit card from his bank, and that way he's got minimal exposure to online spending and credit card fraud. We just transfer over money every month from his savings / retirement accounts. And now that Dad is in his 80s, I mostly manage those for him.

7) I love for him to interact with people. Every time he goes to the dog park or gets out and meets a new friend... I'm happy and I want him to have conversations with people. But fucking hell, I swear 90% of the people who want to talk to the elderly are scammers. And at some level too... Dad doesn't mind being scammed if someone is willing to talk to him for 30 minutes... just listen to his stories. That's the hardest part. I tried hiring a nanny, just a local kid who was a baby sitter... to go and talk to him. It was OK. I tried Better Help, and tried to find a shrink that would work with him and not tell him she was a shrink... not be so overt about the whole process, but that was a disaster. Once Dad found out it was a "mental health" related call he got really mad... past generations don't have good opinions on that sort of thing. It's hard... I don't have a great solution. I got Dad a personal trainer, and a maid, and a nanny... and between them he has enough random people to talk to every week. He looks forward to it, and that helps him avoid being lonely and talking to scammers online I guess. I don't know, it's sad and it's hard.

8) I try and go grocery shopping with him, so that way random people don't "offer to help" and then hit him up for payment. One other thing I noticed is that Dad literally has no concept of money. On one hand, "Candy bars cost a nickel!" and on the other, "Oh that Uber ride to the VA at peak hours just cost you $155..." He doesn't have a clear sense of what things should cost, and he doesn't want to be seen as cheap, so if someone drives him to the grocery store he normally gives them like $100... and then, if that person is shady they'll start offering to drive him other places... and like I said I don't know the answer here, at some point he will need to be put in a home away from people. It's hard. Right now he lives in an apartment near me, and there area all ages there. He isn't sick, he walks 5-10 miles a day with his dog... he's active, likes to go dancing, but he's just so SO very lonely. Desperate for anyone to talk to... but he can't hear, and he only wants to talk about things he's an expert in, and only to people who want to listen to him with a lot of respect... so it's hard. The moment someone scoffs at a story, or doesn't just sit attentive and focused... Dad will get mad. He just wants to be relevant, and he's not. Right? Like that's the core problem is how do you gracefully allow yourself to be comfortable with not being relevant? It's all part of the dying process I guess, but it sucks. And I'm sure it'll suck for me too if I ever get that age.

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