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You need to come up with a task that cannot be accomplished, or this is just your opinion, remember you said "no you fucking well cannot" do everything, but so far I've seen no examples.
I mean, isn't this just a button that adds some named ranges for you?
You can replicate the exact example you gave with named ranges. If there is something it can do that named ranges can't, then please use that example instead. Similarly, if you think there is something that "Power Query" can do that SQL cannot, then please show that.
I literally use Lotus 1-2-3 for UNIX, so I know it quite well (I'm not kidding! http://123r3.net).
So far, all of the examples I've seen you give could have been done in 1989. If you used this a lot, you could write a quick macro in 1-2-3 that generates the named ranges from column headers with one keystroke, it's really trivial.
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It's not a replacement per se, but tiddlywiki is the closest I have seen of a very flexible yet easy-to-use framework for people who have limited programming skills https://tiddlywiki.com/ There is a long list of tools built in tiddlywiki: https://dynalist.io/d/zUP-nIWu2FFoXH-oM7L7d9DM
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